I found myself gazing at the cold beer in the grocery store today. Wishing I could indulge, I stood there like an entranced idiot, fantasizing that I was just a normal drinker deciding on a selection. I thought to myself “I bet that beer tastes good and cold. Sure would make me feel good”. My mouth watering, I could almost feel the buzz when a man approached and startled me back to reality. He said “excuse me” as he reached into the cooler and grabbed himself a refreshing 6-pack. I must have looked like a child who’s puppy was just taken away as my eyes followed the beer into his basket. I looked at him with my sad, pathetic face as he gave me a nod then walked away with his beer.
The remainder of my day was unremarkable and for that I am grateful. But I can’t help to wonder if I will always have fantasies about being a normal drinker? Will I always miss it a little bit or will that longing eventually go away. I certainly hope that it does, but I guess only time will tell.
This is what I love about Buddhism. It is very accepting. If you are a Christian you can remain a Christian and still practice Buddhism. There is no need to convert from or to anything. Simply inject the Buddhist beliefs and practices into your life and you will be a better person.
Finding fault in someone else is very easy for me, but reflecting on my own can be very uncomfortable. It was much easier to drink my faults away than to acknowledge them and denying them was a fault in itself. Now that I am sober I can no longer drown out my shortcomings. I am forced to recognize the fact that I am far less than perfect.
The longer that I am sober, the more aware I become of my character flaws and the less I concern myself with the flaws in others. This isn’t as dreadful as it sounds, in fact it’s quite the contrary. By paying attention to my own words and actions I am able to change them and can become a better person, which makes me happy. Also, by focusing less on the action or behavior of others I greatly decrease the amount of anxiety that I suffer.
Peace of mind is about acceptance, one can not have peace without it. When I accept the flaws in myself, others and the things around me I find peace, even if momentarily.
The best love in the world, is the love of a man. The love of a man who came from your womb, the love of your son! I don’t have a daughter, but maybe the love of a daughter is the best, too. I am first and foremost me, but right after that, I am a mother. The best thing that I can ever be, is me. But the best gift that I will ever have, is being a mother.
I’m trying to live by these rules one day at a time.
Words are worthless unless they are backed by actions.
Last night I dreamed I was on the beach with friends and I had a bottle of whiskey. The first drink tasted so good but I instantly regretted it and felt terrible about drinking it. I spit it out but my mouth kept filling up with more and more and I became drunk. I cried because I couldn’t stop. Just as I woke I was running away, trying to get as far away as possible.
I suppose it needs to be accepted that as long as I am sober I will most likely have the occasional drinking dream. Disturbing as they are, they are mere reminders of where I started, where I am now and how far I have yet to go.
Just as going to church doesn’t make you a saint, being sober doesn’t mean that you’re cured. It doesn’t mean that you don’t think about getting drunk or high now and then or even every minute. Being sober means that you have taken back control of your life and that you no longer choose to be a slave to your addiction. It doesn’t mean that you are better than anyone or that you know all there is to know. It means that you are better than you used to be and that you know more than you used to know.
I just want to say you're awesome! For staying sober on a shitty day! Wow that's inspiring! Did it feel good the next morning?
Thank you very much! My worst days sober are still better than my best days drunk. Yes, it felt wonderful. Not everyone understands how difficult it can be and what a huge accomplishment it is when we succeed. I almost feel sorry for them because they can’t feel how good it feels.
Thank you for reading!