What a shit fucking day! I almost didn’t stay sober but it’s after 9 now and the liquor stores are closed so I am safe. I know that I will feel better about things tomorrow but in the meantime I’m going to bitch about the shit day I had.
·I woke up with a still aching back.
·One of my newly hung window valances fell off the wall during the night.
·I had to walk my dogs in the rain.
·I dropped a tub of butter on my toe.
·Both of my dogs pissed on my bedroom floor.
·My son tossed all the laundry that I washed and folded on his bedroom floor.
·A child told me something their parent told them that I did when I was 19-20. It’s true, (petty theft) I did it, but why would a parent feel the need to share that with their child? It was hurtful.
·I got ANOTHER traffic citation. My vehicle is obviously being profiled.
Obviously I am not in the best of moods. I have done everything on my “Don’t just sit there like a dumbass, do something Action Plan” except make a gratitude list. So here it is. I sure hope it helps.
I am grateful for the following things…
·Modern medicine - without it I would be crippled.
·Super Glue - because it’s freaking awesome!
·Rain - it makes things grow.
·Yoga - it makes my toes stronger.
·My dogs - I’ll have to come back to this one.
·My son - without him my patience would probably never be tested.
·Mean people - they remind me of who I don’t want to be.
·Police officers - they are here to protect us and keep us safe :/
·Sobriety - I didn’t have to deal with today with a hangover.
I used to listen to this song by Dido all the time when fantasizing about my death. I thought it would be comforting to those who mourned for me and I wanted it played at my funeral. I know that’s twisted thinking but that’s what happens when you’re in the deep end of addiction.
I listened to this song today for the first time in a long while. No matter how you interpret it, it’s a beautiful song. Today I interpreted it differently than I had before. Instead of thinking about my death, I thought of life. Recovery has given me a new life and a new outlook on everything. A rebirth if you will. In this song I now hear a woman sing of saying goodbye to the person she once was. She’s telling herself to get up and not to feel sorry for herself and to be thankful for who she once was because without the dark you cannot see the light. It’s not a sad song anymore.
I have found myself slipping into my old way of thinking this week. I don’t like it. I haven’t thought of drinking but I know that if I don’t get a grip on this I will soon start.
I was such an angry and bitter person when I was active in my addiction and I never want to go back to that. I’ve made tremendous strides in my recovery the last few months. I almost never think about drinking and I have gotten better at looking on the bright side and finding the positive in everything. I want to continue moving forward, but in order to do so I must have a plan for when times get tough. I can’t just sit here waiting for everything to get better. I did that for years and we all know how that turned out. So here it is……
Lena’s “Don’t just sit there like a dumbass, do something” Plan of Action”
·NEGATIVE THINKING PRODUCES NEGATIVE RESULTS. I must force the negativity from my thoughts. They are neither healthy nor productive. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Make a gratitude list.
·LET GO AND LET GOD. Pray/meditate more. Set aside a few minutes everyday to spend with my Higher Power. It always makes for a better day.
·IDLE HANDS ARE THE DEVIL’S WORKSHOP. Stay busy. Stay productive. Find something to do other than think thoughts. Make something, write something, call a friend, go for a walk, etc.
·SERENITY PRAYER. It always turns a stressful situation into a tolerable situation. Say it as many times as it takes!
So that’s my action plan. I’ve put it in writing and I know what I have to do. Now I just have to do it!
I believed for a long time that I could not change. I had given up hope that a miracle would happen if I just wished hard enough. I thought drunken misery was my destiny and that nothing would ever get better. Then one day I just had enough, I finally had enough of my own bullshit. Even I wasn’t believing my excuses anymore. If I was truly sick and tired of being sick and tired then it was up to me to get myself well.
That’s the thing with addiction, you have to be ready to recover. Sobriety is not going to happen until you get fed up with yourself. When you finally get tired of being the liar, cheater, cry baby, asshole, lunatic that your addiction has turned you into you will be ready to recover. When you’re ready to recover, great things like life will begin to happen, but you have to be ready for it and you have to be the one to do it.
This is my back. I had spinal instrumentation and fusion for scoliosis in 1992(?). This is an x-ray from 2002.
I’m pretty uncomfortable most of the time but I’ve learned to deal with it. I seldom take medication for pain. OTC pain relievers don’t help and I almost never use prescription medication because I don’t have insurance and I also don’t want to become reliant on it.
Yoga has been helping a lot but Friday night put me out of commission. I had to work the concession stand at a high school football game. I made nachos for four hours! I guess the combination of being on my feet and bending over a table the entire time was too much.
So tonight I am in a great deal of pain as it has gotten progressively worse over the weekend. I suppose that is the reason I’m so crabby. In the past when I’ve had pain this bad I would hit the whiskey even harder than normal. Whiskey would at least dull the pain and give me some relief until the morning. I would very much like to do that tonight but seeing as I’m an alcoholic in recovery I will not. I will just have to deal with it.
I’m not sure what the point in posting this is. I don’t see that it will benefit anyone. It’s actually pretty whiney and sappy. I suppose I’m looking for a little sympathy. Pretty pathetic when you have to resort to social media to find it but somehow even the slightest bit can help a great deal. Sometimes when you have a bad day, it’s nice to know that some one cares, anyone, even if it’s a stranger. So your it tumblr. It’s just me, you and this heating pad.